Memoir in Six Words

Through the darkness, find your light.

Blog Reflection

    It is hard to believe that the semester is coming to end and it is even harder to believe that in just a few short weeks I will be graduating college.  A blog has always been on my "bucket list" so to speak, and although this blog is a little different than I had anticipated writing one prior to this class, it still is a blog and it reflects me in many of the entries.  It feels good to check "start a blog" off my bucket list, even if this is not the content I originally thought I would write about.  This blog serves as a good way to look back on the work that I have accomplished this semester in this course.  Although some of the blogs I found to be more challenging than others, each post reminded me to take a deeper look at the stories we were reading and to find the messages that the author is trying to convey through that story.  The blogs even allowed me to take a look at myself, especially in the first blog post I did about sharing our favorite place.  Going back and reading that post made me happy, and in the midst of studying, writing papers, and in moments where I wonder if I can get everything done, that post brings me back to my "happy place" again.  This blog has taught me how to push myself while reading books that I may not even realize have an underlying message, and it really allowed me to dig a little deeper.

    One thing I liked best about the blog posts and reading the stories we did this semester was being able to relate it to our own life stories.  We learned quickly that each story we would be reading was about an individual and a journey, and I appreciated that I was able to relate to the stories even if they my journey differs in many ways.  The blog I wrote after reading A Room of One's Own reminded me of how valuable it is to be able to receive the education I do at a college like Saint Mary's.  The story encourages women to find their voice and to take advantage of every opportunity that comes their way, and this blog has allowed me to find my voice even further.  I am more introverted than extroverted so getting the opportunity to express my views through the blog was helpful, considering in class discussions are not necessarily a time where I feel comfortable to do so.  

    This blog also taught me the value of close reading, and I was able to use this technique as I read each book this semester.  The first close reading I did was when we read The Yellow Wallpaper and I analyzed a specific passage that spoke to me.  This allowed me to develop a better sense of what was going on in the story, and reading other posts by various students gave me an even better insight into the story.  I used this technique again in my blog post about Girl, Interrupted, which was interesting because this was about a film, rather than a book or short story.  This film was a bit confusing, dark, and mysterious to me so the blog really allowed me to get a better sense of what was happening and what the story line was about.  In the end I actually enjoyed this film and learning more about it, but it did take some time and deep thinking.  Persepolis was my favorite book that we read, so the post I did on identity is one that I enjoyed writing most.  As a young woman it was easy to relate to the struggles of identity, although my story is much different than Marji's.

    This blog was often times a challenge, but it really helped me in this class to focus on the reading and to enhance my ability to understand the words written, rather than to just quickly get the chapters out of the way.  It is interesting to go back and see how my blogs developed overtime, and even to read more personal posts like the first one I mentioned earlier, and the letter to my sixteen-year-old self.  I feel like I have made improvement as far as close reading, and this blog challenged me in a way that I otherwise never would have experienced.  At first I was prone to overanalyzing my post and making sure that what I said was "good enough" to publish, but as I got further along I realized that it was important to express how I really felt as I connected to the readings.  If I could go back and do things differently it would be to take more time on reflecting before writing.  I am the kind of person who likes to be efficient with my time, so as soon as I am done reading something I wanted to write my thoughts and get my work done.  But, I think reflection is valuable in terms of reading, and I realized that throughout this semester.

Power

"Sleep is another sinking down and it is a deep sleep in which I dream of people who do not yet know they are human. Maybe they are only now being born. It includes me, this cast of people, and there are the four women singing and they are the future, not the past like I first thought. In the dream I am a green branch beginning to bloom, to grow something strong and human and alive" (94).

Omishito is really struggling with the connection that she has to her family after she accompanies Ama who searches, and eventually kills, the endangered panther. After her family discovers that she was involved with the killing of the panther, her family openly disapproves of her choice to do so.  Her mom is devastated that she knew that Omishto knew the government had a law against killing it, yet she did so anyways. But, to Ama the law was not going to stand in the way of her own spiritual beliefs. Omishto is clearly torn between her more modern, westernized mother and the tribe and Ama's understanding of life;she is unsure of where she stands and feels stuck. This inner conflict that Omishto is feeling reminded me of what we talked about on Monday. She seems very unsure of herself, and I think that this dream she is having shows just how badly she wants to be sure of herself. She wants to be free to express who she is, which is beyond her mother's understanding, and I think Omishto is really identifying with the spiritual forces of the tribe in this dream. She states, "they are the future, not the past, like I first thought" (94) and I think this shows her wanting to move forward from the life that she lives in order to be truly alive.

"Servants of the Map"

Throughout a person's life one will experience extreme highs, extreme lows, and moments where things seem to be "just right."  When reading this HONY post I see the mountain as life, and all of the twists and turns that inevitably come along with it.  As humans we are constantly going through uphill battles, steady moments, and breezy moments where things seem to get better.  And just when a person thinks that he or she has it all figured out life seems to repeat this same course and a person may experience some "rough terrain" again.  I think this HONY post is an excellent reminder of what is important in life.  For most of us Saint Mary's girls the goal as a child was to to do well in high school, get into a good college, graduate, and find a job that fulfills your "purpose."  The thing with this plan is that sometimes real life gets in the way, and things do not always work out the way that you once thought they would.  Maybe the major that you originally chose your freshman year seems a little dull and unfulfilling come junior year, or maybe your about to graduate and feel like finding a job on top of school is too much to handle.  I think the importance of this HONY post is to remind us that it really is important to stop and appreciate how far you have come in climbing your mountain.  It is incredibly frustrating to not reach the top, but there are alternative routes and why turn around when you have already made it so far?  During this "climbing of the mountain" it is also important to keep your identity in mind, and not just your goal, which is something I think both the man in the HONY post and Max struggle with.   I applied this post to Max because on his journey he is so focused on reaching the top of his own mountain that he forgets to stay true to his identity and who he truly is, and it seems like he sort of loses himself along the way.  Not giving up on your journey or your climb is important, but it's also important that you do not lose yourself in the midst of reaching the top of your mountain.

Translations: Experiences Reading a Play

Reading Translations was a bit different than reading the other books that we have analyzed and discussed because it is a play, meaning that the story is told in a different format.  What I like about reading a play is that I can sort of visualize and create the voices of the characters in my head and it also helps me to envision the setting of the play for each Act. I think that this helps me really get into the story and to analyze the dialogue a bit more than I do when reading a book.  However, there are some setbacks to reading a play rather than seeing one. While watching a play I like to sit close to the stage to see the facial expressions and body language because I think that really helps to get a better sense of the characters in a story, especially characters such as Sarah who is unable to express herself through speech.  This type of character makes me think that plays are better understood when acted out.  I also felt that some parts of Translation were a bit confusing and I might not have been so confused if the play was taking place on a stage in front of me.  Although plays do tell stories and stories can be read, I think that plays are better off acted out on stage so that a person in the audience can not only hear the dialogue, but also feel the emotion as the actors embrace their characters and make a story come to life.

Adichie

I really enjoyed hearing Adichie's lecture and I think she is truly an inspiring human being. I appreciated how candid she was throughout the entire lecture, and her presence filled the room to encourage both women and men to educate themselves on feminism and to believe it I think it spoke to each person in the audience in different ways.  For me, she brought up many topics that I think are often times overlooked in the monotony of everyday life because I, as a woman, am so used to how our culture is gendered that I often forget to really think about it and how it affects my opportunities and life in general. Most of what she said really spoke to me, but one thing in particular that she said really made me think. She said something along the lines of, "Don't worry about men so much. Girls are raised to think so much about men but men are not raised to do the same about girls." This made me really reflect on our culture and the differences between men and women and I find this statement to be incredibly true based on both my personal experiences and the experiences that I have read and heard.  I think as women we are constantly second guessing ourselves, and we are almost raised to do that whether that's in school, as a parent, or in the workplace.  Adichie really brought this to my attention, and I thought her lecture was extremely informative and well-done.

The Shivering

Two themes that we discussed on Wednesday that I think is seen again in "The Shivering" is personal growth and being heard, and I think in this chapter these two go hand in hand.

Although it takes two unfortunate events in Nigeria to bring two strangers, Ukamaka and Chinedu, together to form a friendship, it seems to be exactly what they both need. As the story within the chapter develops, it is clear to see how these two evolve from friendly strangers to close friends, and it is important to note how through each other they are able to also grow in a personal way.  Initially they develop a friendship based solely on the fact that they are both Nigerian and can relate during a time of pain and confusion for their country, but it turns out to be much more than that.  Ukamaka recently had her heart broken by a guy that she had built her life around, and Chinedu listens to her vent endlessly about the relationship that she had.  This is what Ukamaka needs because she had never had the ability or the opportunity to talk so openly or to be heard in her relationship with her ex.  Chinedu brings to her attention that she should examine her feelings more closely, and he explains that he had been in a similar relationship back home.  This allows Ukamaka to not only be heard but to also listen to someone else and gain another's point of view, which helps her develop a new perspective about her broken relationship.  You can see this realization when Ukamaka says, "How can a person claim to love you and yet want you to do things that suit only them? Udenna was like that" (Adichie 161).  Chinedu, much to Ukamaka's surprise, questions whether or not Udenna, her ex, ever even loved her at all.  Although offended, this is the moment where I think Ukamaka is most changed. She understands that Udenna's behavior did not make any sense, but she wanted him to love her so badly that she was blinded by his offensive actions.  Chinedu's words cut deep into Ukamaka, but he is heard. Therefore, she does not hold a grudge against him and insists that he talks to her.  Ukamaka learns that Chinedu is not even a student at Princeton, and she just staying with a friend while anxiously waiting to get a deportation notice.  I think that Chinedu leans on Ukamaka for support through their friendship even without disclosing this information at first.  They both develop personal growth by hearing each other's different points of view and supporting each other regardless of any differences.

Identity in Persepolis

The chose to use the tool of identity.

Throughout Persepolis Marji is constantly trying to create a sense of identity, like all adolescents do. However her adolescence is a bit different because it is during the Iranian Revolution, a time where she is forced to dress and act a certain way in public.  On pg. 131 we see how Marji moves into her teen years and brings to life her inner "teenager," which is clearly influenced by Western culture; in order for her to enjoy this Western cultural influence on her life she has to do so in the privacy of her own bedroom.  Although she has to abide to Iranian law by wearing her headscarf in public, behind closed doors she expresses herself as best as she can in an attempt to create her own sense of identity.  The pictures on pg. 130-131 show Marji receiving a pair of Nikes and posters that her parents brought back for her and you can tell her how happy she is in the images.  Marji then hangs up the posters in her room, listens to Western music, and dresses in her "...denim jacket with the Michael Jackson button, and of course, my headscarf" (131).  This shows Marji's attempts at trying to gain a sense of freedom and to grow into her own person even if she is only able to do so in small ways.

Dear Younger Courtney...

A letter to my 16/17 year old self...

Courtney,

Although you just shrug it off when your parents say that time goes by faster than you think, don't. Listen to them, and not only that but engage in conversation with them. Realize that they were once your age and that they understand what you are going through. Recognize the sacrifices that your Dad makes each and every day for your family and thank him more often for being an incredible human being.  Send encouragement to your brother regularly and don't forget to remind him that you are cheering for him every day and that you truly love and care about him. A simple text can change someones day. It may not seem like he needs it at the time, but he really does. Give extra kisses and "I love you's" to Gram and Grandpa because one day your going to wake up and realize that the comfort they give you is exactly what you need, and that your family is undeniably the most important part of your life. You might think they are all just one big mess, and your totally right about that. But, those are the people who are with you every step of the way and who keep you accountable for your actions so that you end up as a confident and successful young woman. Understand that things in life aren't fair, and that there is nothing you could have done to change the way certain situations turned out. Keep praying and don't lose touch with God just because life starts to get busy and less simple. You need God the most when you feel like you do the least. Keep your head high and stay confident. Your girlfriends are your rock, don't take them for granted. What you put into a relationship is what you get out of one. Smile at everyone, it may just make their day. Worry a lot less about how you look and which boys like you, because I can guarantee you will not find your worth through those boys. I can also guarantee that someone is going to come along and he will show you why it never worked out with anyone else. This will happen sooner than you think, so brace yourself for that journey and enjoy every minute of it. Stay true to who you are in every circumstance your put in and in every relationship you form. Study hard, and don't worry, you will survive pre-calc, I promise. Have a grateful heart and stay positive. Life will throw you so many curveballs, but being surrounded by the right people and having the right mindset is all you need to get through them.
And lastly, because you will love them, here are some quotes you should live by starting right now...
"Don't ruin a good today by thinking about a bad yesterday. Let it go."
"Don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love."
"Don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what your journey is all about."


xo,
22 year old Courtney

Close Reading: Girl, Interrupted

Dr Crumble: "No. You need to go somewhere where you can get a genuine rest, Susanna. And you're lucky -- because the best place in the world for someone like yourself happens to be a half-hour from here."

Step One:
Susanna's parents asked her dad's friend and colleague to talk to Susanna about her out of control behavior after she landed herself in the hospital.  The former doctor tries to encourage Susanna to open up about why she attempted to commit suicide, but Susanna does not engage in the conversation unless she is questioning the doctor or responding to his questions with a sassy comment.  The doctor says that Susanna needs to go somewhere in order to rest, and Susanna agrees but says she will go home in order to do so. At that moment she has no idea he her family has made prior arrangements for her to be sent to Claymoore.  After the doctor explains she needs to get genuine rest she realizes that home is not where the doctor meant after all.

Step Two:
I think that one pattern that is emerging is Susanna's parents constantly focusing on themselves, even though it is clear Susanna is the one that is suffering.  Her mom was worried about how Susanna was dressed at the party going on in her home and then she questions her further asking where she was since everyone attending the party had already arrived but Susanna had yet to make her way downstairs.  Later in the movie her parents are talking with Susanna and the doctor at Claymoore and her parents ask the doctor if she will be home for Christmas because they have no idea what they will say to everyone during the holidays about Susanna if she is not there.  It all seems to be related in that her parents tend to care more about how their family appears to be, rather than how Susanna actually is.

Step Three:
I think that my observations are supported by the fact that they asked Susanna's dad's friend to talk with Susanna, rather than hiring someone who she may feel a little bit more comfortable talking with about such a personal topic.  Not only is this friend retired, he also is a much older gentleman that Susanna probably is uninterested in talking to, partly because they have nothing in common, besides both knowing her parents, which is probably a negative aspect of this doctor in Susanna's head.  If your daughter was seriously struggling to the point where you think she attempted suicide, don't you think you would want her to talk to someone who is still in the field and who is willing to actually let her talk openly rather than jumping to conclusions?  It seems as if this is just another way for her parents to make sure that this side of Susanna is kept private.

Step Four:
At one point in the film Susanna says that she does not want to end up like her mother, and I think that she means she wants more out of life than living simply for the appearance of "looking good."  By telling Susanna, through a retired doctor, that she needs a genuine rest somewhere other than home is another way for them to "beat around the bush" so to speak by not getting to the core of the problem with Susanna but instead sending her to Claymoore where she almost seems to be getting worse.  Susanna has no control of the situation and she knows that she has to go, but I am not sure that her parents are going to get the outcome that they are hoping for.

Close Reading: The Yellow Wallpaper

"It is a big, airy room, the whole floor nearly, with windows that look all ways, and air and sunshine galore. It was a nursery first and then a playroom and gymnasium, I should judge; for the windows are barred for little children, and there are rings and things in the walls ... I never saw a worse paper in my life."

Step One: Read for Comprehension 
The nameless narrator of the short story is describing the room that she is forced to stay in by her husband John, who happens to be a doctor, who says that she is experiencing temporary depression and that it is best for her to stay in this room by herself and away from others.  She first describes the room as being open with plenty of sunshine, and then she explains that it used to be a nursery and playroom.  She explains that because the room was once used only for children, the windows are barred and she describes the wallpaper as being some of the worst she has seen in her life.  She later describes the pattern as a "one of those sprawling flamboyant patterns that committing every artistic sin."

Step Two: Reread and Notice Things
The narrator is dealing with postpartum depression and I think it is really interesting that she is dealing with this while being secluded in a room that was once a nursery and playroom.  She later describes the room as an "atrocious nursery."  I think that the barred windows and her inability to communicate with people outside of this room represent more than just simply what they are.  I think that this room represents the narrator's inability to speak her mind about what she is dealing with because during this time postpartum depression was not something discussed and doctors did not understand how to treat it.  The room was once a nursery, which can also be representative of her husband, John, treating her like a child and controlling who she comes into contact with.  This controlling behavior can also explain the issue of status during this time.  John is a physician, as the narrator explains in the beginning, and he might be worried about what others may think of him if he has a "crazy wife."

Step Three: Explain Your Observations/Step Four: Formulate Some Conclusions & Develop Your Ideas
I think that my observations explain the confusion that the narrator was feeling and thinking during this time.  Because the author of this short story wrote it in the narrator's perspective, it allows the readers to get inside of her head and understand a bit more about what she is experiencing as she battles this postpartum depression.  I think that the chipping yellow wallpaper describes the narrator's mind slowly getting worse and worse.  The narrator is confined to this one room and the longer she watches the wallpaper, the more it becomes an obsession the worse her mind gets.

A Room of One's Own

Although I think that women are more valued and respected members of society today, I think that there are still many obstacles that women face in terms of educational and occupational opportunities.  We have definitely advanced and improved women's rights since the 1920s and early 1930s, but I think that men are still enjoying "more elaborate meals" in an environment where they are confident and comfortable with themselves.  Women are still attempting to prove their value and worth in male dominated occupations and work environments that leave them with the feeling of always needing to be more.  I am fortunate enough to attend Saint Mary's College, where women are empowered to express themselves and to excel in whichever field of study they choose.  SMC prepares young women to feel that confidence that many young women lack as they enter their career.  This education can help all of the SMC graduates to then apply this confidence in every aspect of their lives and use the knowledge they gained to help other women who may be struggling with finding their voice.   There is still relevance to how women are viewed in today's society and how they were viewed in A Room of One's Own.  This book enhances the importance of encouraging women to receive an education and to be proud and confident in the various opportunities that come their way, and I am fortunate enough to attend a college that does the same.  Although I am aware of this, I am also very aware that there are many young women who are not given the same opportunity to receive an education that encourages them to acknowledge their value and worth, both in education and in their occupation.  We have made many advances as far as gender equality since the 1920s and early 1930s, but there is still much more that can be made so that all women can feel that they, too, are enjoying all of the same "elaborate meals" that men are.

The Country

When asked where my favorite place is or what place has the most significance in my life my answer has always been "The Country."  You may be thinking or imagining "The Country" as a wide open space with cornfields and land that goes on for miles and miles lined by country roads with few cars driving on them.  This is all true, but "The Country" is also much more to me than that.  "The Country" is a name that my family calls my grandparents house.  They live in Walworth, Wisconsin, which is a small town that is surrounded by land, cornfields, and country roads, but it is also the home to my favorite place in the world.  As you drive down one country road you can see the back woods of my grandparents' property, and then you spot their driveway, which is long and their house is barely visible from the road.  "The Country" is a little white house perched at the top of a hill surrounded by beautiful flowers and extremely old and tall trees (or snow).  When you open the door you are greeted with two large screened-in porches that wrap around the front and the side of the house.  Those front porches are my favorite places to be, and they are where I find myself to be most peaceful and relaxed.  I can look out and see all of the trees and the distant cornfields that go on for miles and miles.  I think I love "The Country" so much because of all of the memories that I have there, and all of the memories that I will continue to create there.  It is a place that makes me quiet and still even in the chaos of everyday life.  It is also a place where I am surrounded by family, whether that may be during holidays or if it is just a random visit to see my grandparents. "The Country" is a place that inspires me and it has helped shape me into who I am today.